Honeybear

Honeybear, April 2019

Honeybear came to us as if by destiny or magic. Though for years I had been half-toying with the idea of getting a cat to keep my dog company, it had never really been a serious idea. I have allergies, and I'd never lived with a cat before. To me, cats were unpredictable and kind of weird. And then one day in January 2019, a friend mentioned to me that she had become a "crazy cat lady," as she'd suddenly inherited 6 of her parents' cats. She showed me photos of the ones who needed homes, and when I lay eyes on Honeybear, I knew she was mine. She was a gorgeous, 12-year-old Russian Blue mix, petite as can be, with a look in her eyes that spoke to me. There was no question. Even though my friend urged me to consider the gorgeous purebred something-or-another she had, I knew Honeybear was meant for me, and I for her.

There were a few rocky moments, but ultimately, Honeybear and I developed a soul connection unlike I've had with any pet before. I knew in my heart that our time together was likely to be short, as she came to us with a number of health conditions, but I never imagined it would only be a few months.

In those few months, I became a cat person. My capacity for love deepened. Honeybear loved my kids, but she adored me. I spent countless hours with her on my chest, as I was at the time also dealing with a deep depression and often had energy only to lie on the couch. She healed me. The night she died was awful, yet in its way, beautiful. She waited for me to come home from work. When I saw her in my bed, I knew it was time. She did not appear to be suffering, so I snuggled down on the couch with her, a blanket wrapped around both of us, and talked to her until I fell asleep. When I woke up, she was gone. My heart was shredded, and yet, part of me felt as alive and engaged as I had for nearly a year. During my depression, there was so much numbness. When Honeybear moved on to whatever comes next, all my feelings came back online, bright, sharp, painful, and beautiful. There was so much communication between us during her life and particularly the night she slipped away. It was an experience that was singularly spiritual...not of the earthly world.

I miss her so much it hurts. But I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. I love you, Honeybear. As I told you while you were in my arms, you can come back and live with me anytime you want. I'll wait for you. We'll be together again someday; this I know for sure.

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